I've lost something

Three months ago, I stopped practicing my piano. I played nearly daily for over three years, but it’s over now. It looks like my brain cannot learn this instrument, which makes me sad. Since I stopped the lessons, I only sat once at the piano to play for myself. So why did I stop? And what is the issue with it? And what does it imply for me?

I did stop due to the stress the lessons posed to me. In the end, I was afraid of the lessons. Every other week, when I was there, I had migraine symptoms, which made it nearly impossible to play correctly. I just could not focus. Then, combine this with a personality that wants to do everything perfectly. You have a frustrating and also toxic combination. And it is not like I have not learned anything during the three years of lessons. I can play simple songs now, and I can read music sheets. But what I also realize is that I never will play like a professional piano player – and that was never my goal – but still you have these fantasies that you sit at a random piano and start playing complex classical music (or modern music), and don’t understand how high of a bar you are setting for yourself. This is a pattern that follows me throughout my whole life. Perhaps it is finally time to accept that I, too, have limits.

What I struggle with the most about this “insight” is what it means for one of my core beliefs: You can learn anything if only you apply yourself strongly. And I’ve proven to myself that this is not always true. And it is hard to accept this. It fills me with fear; how can I start anything new now? How can I be sure that I succeed when I do anything new now? I was also thinking about trying another degree but right now, this would not be doable for me, which makes me sad.

I’m feeling much better without the stressor of piano lessons. The migraines did reduce — not only due to no longer learning piano but also due to some other changes — but I suspect it was a significant contributor to my stress. My primary triggers are stress and not understanding that my body needs time to relax and recharge its battery.

But I still tell myself that someday I will sit back at the piano and play again – but perhaps nothing from Les Miserables and only some simple children’s tune. And that can be good enough. It must be good enough.

• /piano
• /writing